I have missed you very much. Missed you my friends and missed writing down things. Some may notice that I use my myspace account alot more than others, but I do like my blogspot here very much too, and have missed being here for a long time. Sometimes I don't write things, because there is so much that I want to say.
Thank you Yani for thinking of me, reminding me that I still had a place here. You are a great friend.
I miss Kwai too. If anyone wants to be my friend, please feel free to write to me. We'll chat. It'll be nice.
I have been under alot of stress lately.
I have been working alot, at both of the jobs that I have; plus working on special projects, plus trying to plan for my wedding, which is supposed to happen in October 2007. That is what I want. In the meantime, I am catching alot of grief from my fiance, unfortunately about alot of things, and it continues to stress me out.
He seems to always fight with me about stupid little things that are not that important...
He loves me very much. But we have been together for three years. I think sometimes he is like getting "cold feet" and maybe he doesn't want to marry me anymore. It breaks my heart to think that. Somedays he is very kind and loving, and other days he antagonizes me about everything I do, like I'm never good enough.
Today he said that he thinks I am a racist. I AM NOT A RACIST. He says this crap because I spoke with his type of language accent. He's a Hindu. First of all, I did not know that he was bothered by this. I have spoken with his accent before and he always laughs when i do it, cause it sounds funny to see an American speaking in a foreign tongue. And Secondly, I have never spoken in his accent to ever make fun or insult him or his culture. I think it is an amazing culture that he comes from. I have read many books on his country, and try to learn the language from his tribe of people. Apparently I spoke in his accent tonight, and for some reason, he snapped at me... I tried to explain to him, that I speak like him, not to make fun of him, but because I want to be more like him, in that way. To fit in... I am trying hard to learn his language. Its the same reason I speak in my New York accent, or my Spanish accent, or my Italian accent, or my Irish accent... because I speak those languages, and when you speak a different language your accent grows with it. And I used to live in New York, and also in Missouri, where everybody seems to think that I should sound like some kind of "hillbilly" but because I used to live there, I feel that I should be allowed to talk that way if I want. Am I right? So I apologized to him anyway, didn't mean to hurt his feelings, and I said, "So when I go to your country and I refuse to speak anything but English, in my American accent, they are just going to think that I am just another stupid little girl you brought over from the states, or just another closed minded American asshole in their country, who got everything handed to them in life, and just hate my country just a little more... right?" As if people didn't hate Americans enough already. NICE.
Another thing he has been making a big deal of lately, is my weight. I am happy with me, my weight does bother me a little bit, but I have always been a big girl. It has been a hard road to go down... being a heavy kid all my life. I know that he pushes me to lose more weight because he cares about me, and my health, He does love me, this I know. But he goes about it the wrong way, using negative reinforcements, he says negative things to me lately, instead of encouragement. Alot of times I hear things like, "You look heavy today, what did you eat" and I brush crap like that off, but you know after a while it becomes discouraging. It makes me sad sometimes too, because when he met me, I was 230 lbs. Now I am about 198. I am still a big girl, but I have come a long way. He loved me so much when he first met me, never said a word about my weight, now it seems sometimes that I am always going to be punished with his words when I get home. I have tried alot, to change my diet. Limiting Dairy products like milk or cheese - to almost nothing, and I have stopped drinking soda, exchanging it for water... I don't eat alot of meat, or grains, just mostly vegetables and fruit. He tells me that I "always am thinking about food..." NOT TRUE. He is the one who always has his head in the fridge, or is heating something up... I don't think about food much anymore... I even chew gum at work, to keep from snacking, so I don't think about it... The only things I think about is, run run running, and doing sit ups, and about working alot... His excuse for him eating all the time is, "Who's the one who needs to lose weight?" (He asks me.) Stfu...
I have been a very good girl. I have done many things that he asks, even if I did not want to. I do these things because I know that he loves me. It doesn't matter what his age is, or how different our cultures are, because I am willing to learn new ways to grow. I just wish he would bend a little bit for me too, and then sometimes I just wish that he had been a fat kid, so he would understand me a little bit, when I say I can't run anymore because I can't breathe. I love to run, very much. But when he makes it a chore or a direct competition between me and him, it becomes a lost fight for me. Like so what - if you're better than me, why should I even try anymore.
I have told him how I feel but sometimes it just doesn't even seem to matter to him... like sometimes because I am a girl or because I have an opinion, that no one should listen to me cause nothing I could ever say would ever really matter. And I hate that. I wish he would just be a little more open minded... I try to play the game his way, and I always lose. I try to play it my way, and I still lose. So, I don't know. But I still love him. ANd I don't want our relationship to come to an end because of stupid shit like this...
And my tv set broke. Damn. So How was your day? Better than mine, I'm sure. Tell me about it. I'll be around.
Love you all, Miss Sephira
